Fear

The definition of fear ‘an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm’.

Although I am currently not at threat of danger, pain, or harm, fear has consumed me in a way where I have felt tired and uninspired to create art and keep moving forward with pursuing my passions of SKART. Before the Sydney lockdown 2.0 I went months where I had no desire to paint, and the longer I put off my dreams the deeper the FEAR of failing at SKART became.

This fear for me is directly linked to my current journey of sobriety, as since becoming sober I have found all of my demons came to live right on the surface, scratching with memories of past mistakes, reliving moments in my life in my nightmares that alcohol blacked out. There was a time where I felt each day the scratching of past mistakes, got louder and louder, all reinforcing my limiting self beliefs that I will fail, so I felt a strong urge to give up on my dreams. These constant negative beliefs that I had cast a dark cloud on my passions, I seemed to have lost my inner intentions around starting SKART.

Whilst it felt like there were dark clouds, and it felt like everyone was saying ‘just push through it’, like it's just as easy as breathing, but in reality it felt like I was drowning, I guess pushing on at that time felt like trying to breathe underwater, impossible. At times in my life it has felt like a never ending journey of one minute, I am flying high above the clouds, then the next minute I’m drowning, however since going on this journey of sobriety I no longer have my vice to bring me the highs and cope with the lows, I know have to create my own highs and sit with the vulnerability when I am feeling low.

So I would say for me that the fear comes from a place of being fearful of myself, fearful of living up to my limiting self beliefs, when I was suffocating in drowning water the danger I had was of myself and my own negative thoughts. The fear is still present today, the fear of the pain of failing at my dreams, however there is also a fear that I could succeed and that I couldn’t handle the success or feel worthy of succeeding.

Since lockdown I have lost my grandad in the UK, and I have felt feelings of guilt and sadness that I cannot return home to be with my family, the silver lining of lockdown is that I have allowed myself the time to grieve the loss of my grandad, re-examine this fear of failure and these limiting negative self-beliefs. Despite this fear being a negative experience for me, that almost kept me stuck in a place where creating seemed more like a chore, I can now see the positive intention of my own internal fear and that is it motivates me to not fail, to not give up and to keep moving forward with my dreams, and that no matter what happens I will be okay.

“It’s time for the storm to pass, and to feel the fresh air on my skin. I know the storm may arrive again, just as the weather changes, but that too shall pass and my own internal sunshine will shine through the clouds once more. As the storm clears, and the blue fills the sky I still find myself lost amongst the clouds. It’s time to open myself up and allow the sunshine to fuel my soul with passion and fire so that my dreams can transpire.”