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  • Sarah Kingwell

Loving the Unknown




With so much uncertainty in the world right now it can be difficult to like the unknown let alone love it. How does change make you feel? What about uncertainty? How can we learn to accept where we are, trust in the journey and really love and trust in the unknown?


“I left the ending ambiguous, because that’s the way life is”- Bernardo Berolucci


If someone told me just 2 years ago that the world was about to change, and that we would all experience something called a lockdown, I would have probably not listened or even believed them. To reflect on that lack of belief would be to reflect on my own resistance to change, because for myself with change comes disruption, uncertainty and overwhelming anxiety. With the uncertainty of the world right now I have found myself learning, growing and adapting to the present moment more than I once thought was possible.


In regards to loving the unknown, it has been about personal development, in a way I have begun to build a tolerance for change, and with this tolerance for ambiguity and loving the unknown I can now live more freely in the present moment. This process of acceptance and trust had to start with understanding my need for control in my life. I have always had a deep need for certainty, with this comes obsessive planning and addiction to control. In my previous blog I spoke about detachment and addiction, and as I mentioned in some way we are all addicted to something, in a way we could be addicted to certainty. With certainty there is safety, and isn’t that what all humans desire and need in life, to feel safe?


So how do we begin to accept change whilst feeling safe in our environment? Can we really manage change or do we just simply adapt? Perhaps eventually we can begin to embrace change and love the unknown journey that is life (1). When we are able to embrace change and the unknown we can allow ourselves to feel safe. Accepting change and finding safety in the unknown began, for myself, with firstly acceptance of who I am and with this change, all around the world with lockdowns, I was truly able to really search within to find that self acceptance. During the first lockdown I believe now that I did simply just adapt to a new way of life, I didn't really face myself or search within, as I chose to drink daily and numb out any feelings of anxiety and fear of uncertainty. However now I am 9 months sober and close to the end of the second lockdown, I find myself reflecting on where I am today and truly feeling grateful. I chose to embrace this change, this slowed down pace of living, and with this choice I was able to accept it for what it is, something I could not control, a situation that I could either dwell in or choose to thrive in. I choose to thrive in the unknown. Really loving the unknown is a choice, we can choose how we react, how we think and how we feel. When I say choose how we feel I mean to feel all of it, the sadness, the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the happiness, the joy, the good and the bad emotions. However, loving the unknown and the change is about accepting how we feel, being kind to ourselves around how we feel but not collapsing into these feelings. Simply accepting how we feel for what it is, and loving ourselves as we move forward with these feelings.


“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” Gilda Radner


So loving the unknown is about detaching yourself from an outcome, or a desired goal, and trusting in your own story and your own journey. It’s about feeling comfortable with change, with uncertainty and embracing the unknown of each day. With detachment comes freedom, acceptance and a sense of contentment. Although I still do my daily plans and reflections, I have chosen to do this, I no longer feel like “I SHOULD” do a day plan, and of course there are days where I don’t do what I planned and that is okay I am only human. Sometimes it's better to sit with the uncertainty and the anxiety rather than be busy with distractions from these feelings. With this new found love for the unknown I no longer obsess over having to get everything done. I am no longer attached to an outcome, rather I am living in the moment, embracing change, accepting how I feel and loving the unknown journey of my life. (1) John Harradine,2017, Breaking patterns a map to finding love, joy and contentment, CreateSpace Independent publishing platforms

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